There is nothing wrong with you
I don’t remember which year it was, only that it was 2 countries, 2 cultures, and 2 “versions of myself” ago. I accompanied a friend who was looking for new things to do, to a Circling event. Up until that day, I had been carrying the story – strengthened over a lifetime of failures – that I somehow lacked the ability to socialise in groups…. with the single exception of “meditation groups”.
Shockingly, this group experience unfolded differently. People were in conversation, not sitting in silence with eyes closed for an hour. Somehow, I was not only not overwhelmed, but I even enjoyed myself, and felt something like a preference for having met these other people in a group rather than one at a time. This had never happened before, and it turned my entire self-understanding upside down.
There was never anything wrong with me. It was just that group socialising always moved too fast, and stayed too shallow – and as soon as I entered a group context in which neither of those things were true, I was just as comfortable and “able” to be in it as anyone else.
Many years later – in another country, another culture, another “version of myself”, a series of deeply painful relational conflicts had me starting to think something was inherently wrong with me again. It brought me back to the practice which once helped with exactly that.
Becoming the role model I never had
I joined the Relateful Facilitator training to practice rebuilding trust and confidence in social situations. I could not imagine myself in the role of “leader”, not even after signing up for a “leadership” program. The calling to step into leadership appeared, halfway through the program, manifesting as increasing feelings of discomfort at being the only person in practice spaces whose embodiment includes being born in the Global South, and having lived as both [binary] sexes / genders. I connected with two other leaders-in-training who felt something similar, to create practice spaces for Queer/Trans and BIPOC/Global Majority people.
Shortly after certifying, the universe threw me out of my nest in a very forceful way, asking me to step into leadership not only with these practices, but all of the meditative practices I had been doing purely as a personal hobby since my teenage years. With each of them, I had often questioned my belonging in the community of practitioners due to lack of mentors and teachers who understood my embodied history. I persisted despite those challenges – but how many others have been in this position, and gave up?
I have always felt myself to be an intensely private person. I never wanted to be well-known for anything, have a website or social media presence or anything of the sort. By now I had enough experience through Relateful practices to recognise, when an underrepresented aspect of the collective consciousness wants to make itself known through this human form which “I” also inhabit. It’s not about “me” – and, it’ll be better for everyone if “I” don’t try to suppress it.
My responsibility as a global citizen
I also have training as a Shamanic Practitioner and Forest Therapy Guide (and more…), which to me are arts of mindfully relating with the more-than-human world. So for me, relational mindfulness isn’t ever limited to human interactions, and you’ll always be finding me noticing and inviting in the other beings who are also present in each gathering of humans: the plants, the building, the air, the sunlight…. the computer screen, the Zoom Room. I also offer presence-based coaching and guidance – “for all who struggle with questions of belonging” – through this integration of Relatefulness with embodied deep ecology.
The calling to mindful leadership as a way of being brought me to The Netherlands – to an ecosystem which can support me in the ways I need most during this tender growth period. But deep down, I am still and always will be a creature of the Arctic – it is what I bring everywhere, and seemingly hard-wired into the composition of my nervous system. Creating spaces for slow and quiet is my nature – doing so with and for other people is my learning task of this lifetime.
Nowadays I deeply believe that true healing and transformation must be done in community – with other humans. So, I am always experimenting, with new “themed” sharing and exploration groups, around different complex topics, or social/cultural identities, held in a Relateful way. They are mostly held online, because of my belief that all modern problems are global problems – which require the skill of mindful, heart-led collaboration across cultures and continents to properly address.
I see my larger role in the world as about bringing the spirit of mindfulness into all aspects of daily life – especially, when in conversation with other human beings. I prefer to collaborate wherever possible – so if you have some ideas, feel free to get in touch.
