At the end of 2024 I quit my full-time job as a social worker at a forensic psychiatric hospital, and decided to part ways with my partner of 3 years. I was burnt out, and realised I needed to let everything fall to the ground and start again from the bottom up, in a way that was far aligned with who I am. I packed up all my belongings and moved back in with my family. I needed to rest and recover.
I knew that over the course of the year I wanted to start turning towards offering 1-1 sessions, with the intention of doing this as my main work. 2025 ended up being a huge year of encountering my patterns of fear and avoidance, as I gently started excavating all the material that lay between me and offering 1-1 work. I started to recognise familiar places I would find myself in, and characters that would show up.
For a long time just asking myself what I wanted resulted in a shut down or dissociation. I also got to know my ‘problem solver’ that would kick in and take over for days and even weeks, and after a while I could trace the thread back to the initial triggers – insecurity, imposture syndrome, feelings of failure etc, and a whole snowball cascade of patterns and coping mechanisms would join the party as soon as I’d try to work. I’ve been gradually getting to know these patterns and characters, listening to them, reassuring them, and continuing to chip away at this thing I want to do.
It really did take most of the year before I was ready to post about the work I wanted to do online, then when I did, the people I was afraid would push back were encouraging and celebratory. It’s been so worthwhile, as I see so much more clearly how I am the one who creates my life, and that the more I’m willing to step into the driver’s seat, the more I get to be part of that creation. It’s becoming quite clear the main obstacles are internal rather than external. Which is empowering! If they’re in me then I can get to know them and work with them. Even more empowering to see that it is working! And that I’m doing the work I’ve been longing to do.
Earlier years
And what came before this? It’s almost overwhelming thinking about the years leading up to this, and trying to put into words the things I learned that helped paved the way. Certain moments stick out particularly clearly. I remember being 15 and quite immobilised with what I later realised was depression at school. Somehow I mostly packaged that away for a few years until it resurfaced when I was at university, culminating in a coeliac disease diagnosis (an autoimmune disease) and severe acne. I started meditating because I read that acne and stomach issues can be linked to stress, and I noticed when I meditated in the morning I was less reactive to things that happened in the day.
I also cut back my commitments (I had been juggling competitive rowing training, gardening club, running, music societies, playing gigs, as well as attending classes, and generally keeping myself alive) and instead focused on the one most fulfilling activity: singing in the uni jazz orchestra. Things opened up and I had time to make friends, and also put time towards rehearsing, which meant I could progress and feel successful, rather than always feeling unprepared and overstretched. These were first tiny steps towards relaxing the high expectations I had of myself. It took a long time before I really saw how driven I was by trying to improve myself, and underneath that was a feeling of fundamentally not being good enough.
A few years later I made friends with a group of people who were practicing radically living in alignment with themselves. It was quite eye opening – they helped me see where I said ‘yes’ when I really felt ‘no’, and also helped me recognise my value as an individual for the first time. For a long time I had felt ashamed that I was boring, and not very charismatic in groups, and they helped me see that I had other gifts – listening, empathy, sensitivity, and that I flourished in 1-1 interactions. My self-esteem started to bloom a little more. Around this time I also discovered Gabor Mate’s work, and was introduced to the world of developmental trauma, which was also quite eye-opening.
Introduction to Circling
After university I moved to Oxford and had a few colourful and vibrant years living in a 7 person share-house and working as a Barista. Around this time I was introduced to circling.
The first exercise we did was being with the other in their world. I thought- “Oh I know this!” I was excited to find a place where people wanted to receive the kind of curious, open attention I was used to giving. The second exercise however felt quite novel – we were prompted to notice how it was to be us, while we were with the other person. This one felt totally new, I had never considered my own experience while being with another. I left that intro feeling very excited, and shocked that it had taken this long to come across something so compatible with me and my interests.
A few months into attending weekly practice groups, I heard about facilitator training, and knew that I wanted to explore further into this practice. I wasn’t sure where it would go, but that following the twinkling light behind that door certainly felt right.
There’s so much more to say. I have loved using this practice to discover places where I get triggered, or small, or out of my depth, then gradually learning how to respond in ways that are more empowered, or soft, or playful. How to share the impact of someone’s actions without blaming them or making them wrong. How to alchemise judgments into creation. How to lead myself no matter what the context is. How to be available and receptive. How to not be available or receptive. How to objectively recognise and name what had previously felt like incredibly challenging emotions, like grief, or anger. How to trust the experience that’s coming through me as some mysterious combination of my own inner world, and the group field, and the wider collective field. To not need to make sense of it, but to offer it in it’s mystery.
My favourite thing that I’ve learned, which I feel i’m only at the beginning of really cultivating, is the ability to soften into the slowness and spaciousness that I need to feel into the incredibly subtle nooks and crannies of my experience. The things that are suspended right on the periphery of my awareness. Coaxing them out with patience, curiosity, and stillness. And trusting that I can allow this to lead me, in 1-1 interactions, in groups, and as a leader. This is the work I want to do with others. Bringing the barely perceptible parts of ourselves into vibrant and colourful awareness. And letting that colour lead our lives.
South London Circling group
I run a hyper-local circling group for those living in South West London. The intention is that participants live within 20 minutes of our location, to foster a sense of local community. If you’re interested please get in touch at circlingwithnoor@gmail.com and we can see if you’re nearby! All levels of experience are welcome.
This is the website link
https://circlingwithnoor.com/practice-in-person/
