What have I learned from practicing?
My introduction to circling was mostly online, and I loved it dearly for quite some time. Two very different friends had said “you should try this”, one I’m not sure why, and one on the pretence that it was rational-ish — but that he’d call me about feelings. I guess what he was pointing to was circling being both emotionally-focussed but also truth-seeking.
The moments I remember most from those first months were having a positive self honestly reflected back, perhaps for the first time in my life. The monolith of reprehensibility gained a crack. I was also compelled and amazed that one could publicly name attraction, or be in conflict, and have the world not end. It was also fun to be part of a gang, to be a regular, and figure out how and how not to belong.
When I compare my first years of circling to my experience now, it has changed a lot. I am able to name when I am suffering rather than suffer in silence. I am more able to move towards and away from freely. I am much more autonomous. I am able to say no. Able to be with more chaos and complexity. To speak up and own what I want, without making anyone wrong, without imposing it upon anyone. I am able to leave the room and regulate without needing permission or resisting it. I am able to welcome myself when I arrive on a weekend, needing much less from everyone around me.
My Leadership journey
In Summer 2022, after two SAS’s, I started hosting circling most weeks in Oxford. Since then I’ve led drop-ins, intro courses, and closed groups. I currently operate on a termly basis, so that I have adequate rest and recovery in the holidays. It’s hard to see what I’ve learned, but I think I have learned and changed a lot.
I’ve learned to notice where I subtly want to change people. Where I am afraid of conflict. Where I’m afraid of too much fun, too much chaos. I’ve learned to name subtle states when I am leading – often by first naming blackness or numbness – for example naming constant background fear. I’ve learned where I name fear instead of the vulnerability of what specifically I am afraid of. I have learned to sometimes let something cook, and sometimes just to spit it out and name it. I’ve learned the difference between acting out, and embodying from lifeforce. I’ve learned where I feel peace as a bypass. I’ve learned that I can name states without being in the intensity of them. I’ve learned more discernment with wanting to bring insight – that it’s a skill to find the time and the place where it serves the other. I’ve learned that I still often want to be right.
One of the things I love the most when leading is to lead short practices that introduce new concepts, new ways of being, new things to pay attention to. I like the opportunity for myself and others to flex muscles that they may not even be aware of having, and certainly not used to regularly using. For example, practicing “I want…”, wanting without attachment to having, wanting without shame of wanting. Practicing listening deeply – changing the ratio of silence to speaking, practicing really, really listening – both to the self, the other, and what wants to, or not to, come.
I truly care about a space where people can slowly come into more contact – with others and with themselves – to mostly be received compassionately, move into more alignment, and have a chance to transcend whatever it is that’s their hand.
